


Clint Barton is a dead man

by PillowBacon



Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, Swearing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-10
Updated: 2015-08-10
Packaged: 2018-04-13 23:12:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,207
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4541082
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PillowBacon/pseuds/PillowBacon
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Clint Barton has done a lot of stupid things. This stupid thing is going to get him killed.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Clint Barton is a dead man

Clint Barton is a fucking idiot.

In all honesty that’s one of the reasons Natasha loves him so much. Clint Barton is such an idiot that everything that happens to him is so stupid that it’s her number one source of entertainment. Clint Barton is RuPaul’s Drag Race if RuPaul’s Drag Race was a person.

Right now is a great example of Clint Barton’s idiocy.

Natasha grinned, watching Clint scramble on the granite countertop, physically throwing snacks out of the cupboards before he began to crawl inside.

“Clint,” Natasha’s voice is slow, merely so she can savour every second, “What are you doing?”

There’s a pause as Clint turns his head slowly, “I’m going to _die_.”

“What do you mean you’re going to die, Clint?” Natasha feels the grin spread across her face and does nothing to stop it.

“I mean, I’m going to be killed any second-I know it, Tasha, I know it.”

There’s a pause where Natasha sips her tea, giving Bruce enough time to join them in the kitchen, “Why are you going to be killed?”

Clint made a loud groaning noise before, very swiftly, throwing himself into the cupboard, “I don’t wanna talk about it.”

“I can’t fix the bad thing if you don’t tell me what the bad thing is Clint.”

Natasha shared a smile with Bruce who leaned on against the kitchen island in the middle of the room to watch them.

“You know, you know how we text each other-like-like scripts of certain activities we hear because certain people are really futzing loud?”

Natasha’s grin is suddenly giddy because Clint has done something disastrous and she can feel it. She set down her tea and nodded, “Yes, Clint I’m aware.”

“Well, I -uh, I kind of sent it to the wrong person, by mistake.”

“Who’d you send it to?”

“Wait,” Bruce is grinning, enjoying the quality entertainment he’s receiving, “What exactly are you two talking about?”

“Just-” Clint sighed, “Here, just read them. I can probably be tracked by it anyway.”

Natasha takes his phone and is astonished because she never thought someone could close a cupboard door sadly but Clint manages it. He’s talented like that.

She unlocks the phone and almost instantly she knew this was bound to be incredible.

“Oh my God, Clint did you-?” she can’t finish her own sentence, for the first time in a long time she finds herself shocked silent.

“Uhhh-huuhhhh,” it’s the saddest confirmation she’s ever heard.

Natasha moves so both she and Bruce can read the texts.

There’s a pause of pure silence where Natasha is in a state of pure serene happiness. Anything could happen in that second and in all honesty she wouldn’t give a damn.

“No, you’re right,” muttered Bruce, holding the phone so Natasha could just let out her pure joy in an odd mix of facial expressions and praying gestures, “Clint Barton, you are a dead man.”

“Why’s Clint a dead man?”

Natasha shoves a fist in her mouth to muffle her happy squeal while Bruce raises an eyebrow at her. But Steve’s right there and they both know that no more than an hour and a half ago he was crying during sex.

His eyes are still a little red.

“Oh goooodddddd, don’t show him, Nat, pretty please.” Clint sounds like a sad puppy.

“Stop sounding so pitiful Barton, I’m not going to show him-” She watches Steve take the phone from Bruce’s hands. “Okay, it’s Bruce’s fault.”

Clint’s groan was so sad it pulled at her-something. The part of her brain that cared about him and his pretty boy face.

Natasha watches Steve’s face go from amusement, fall to horror, than embarrassed horror.

“You texted Fury the dialogue to me and Tony having sex?!”

Clint groaned yet again, “So dead,”

Natasha giggled. For the first time in her life, there was a moment where she, Natasha Romanoff, giggled with no alias to blame it on. “This is the greatest moment of my life, I want this on my gravestone, Bruce, please, ensure it’s on my gravestone. The entire conversation.”

Bruce was too busy laughing to add any confirmation to her request.

“Tasha why don’t you love me?” Natasha smiled at the cupboard.

“Of course I love you, I’ll even say something great about your junk at your funeral.” she grinned.

“You’re a good bro.”

Steve still looked like someone had sent him to work naked. Which was kinda true.

“Steve are you okay?” she can’t help the little grin.

“Why isn’t Steve okay?”

Sam, Bucky and Tony walk into the common floor at once and Natasha can feel herself suddenly beam.

“She is creepy happy,” said Sam, gesturing to Natasha.

“Steve! show ‘em!” Natasha grinned, reaching for the phone.

“Don’t show ‘em, Steve, please, I swear I will make it up to you but don’t show them.” Clint opened the cupboard marginally to look at them.

“Natasha’s happy? Bruce is actually crying from laughter and Clint is hiding in a cupboard-Steve show me.” Tony’s grin is huge as he reached for the phone.

“Show ‘em.”  Natasha encouraged.

There’s a pause where Steve is obviously debating it when Tony grabs the phone, Sam and Bucky crowding around his shoulders to read it while Clint closes the door to his cupboard, “I don’t wanna live anymore, let ‘im kill me.”

Natasha watched the three men with a beaming grin as Tony’s face dropped before almost instantly grinning again.

“You’re going to die.” he laughed.

“Oh my god,” whispered Sam, “Oh my god, this is-incredible.”

Bucky snorts. There’s a pause where everyone stares at him. He’d stayed with them for around six months (six months, 2 weeks, 4 days, and thirteen hours), and they’d only gotten him to speak. Rarely. Clint poked his head from his cupboard as Bucky covered his mouth with his metal hand. His shoulders shaking.

“Is he laughing?” whispered Bruce.

“heh-n-no.” Bucky’s voice is broken up by giggles.

There’s a moment of silence where everyone’s watching Bucky expectantly.

He moved his hand slightly, “D-did you really cry?”

“No!” Steve blushed.

Bucky tipped his head back and cackled, included with snorts and moments where he had to stop to catch his breath, “Y-you t-t-otally di-d,”

Natasha giggled, followed by Bruce. Until she, Sam, Bucky and Bruce were curled up on the floor laughing.

Steve looked pissed, “This is supposed to be a professional team!”

Natasha accidently head-butted Sam as she spilled into more giggles.

“Come on, Babe.” grinned Tony, “It’s not that bad.”

“Yes it is!” exclaimed Steve and Clint in unison.

“It is.” Fury’s standing in the elevator, arms crossed and the laughter stops, except for Sam and Bucky’s occasional giggle. “You’re all fucking dead.”

Clint screeched and suddenly rolled out of the cupboard, landing perfectly on Sam’s gut and Bruce’s knee before bolting.

“This is gonna be awesome.” laughed Natasha, jumping to her feet and bolting off.

The next words are faint but most definitely Tony, “Fury’s it!”

“This isn’t tag Stark!”

* * *

Authors Note: So I'm half asleep, it's 3 am, and I'm posting this. Probably not my best idea. I'm most likely going to take this down tomorrow and go over it but i'm too tired to care right now, honestly.


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